The Misadventures of Shane y Kane
By: Shannon Clay
Life as a Spanish girl…
to be continued.
Allow me first to translate my name to Spanish for you. It’s Shane.
My host mother, Carmen, as well as practically every Spaniard I have come into
contact with has been unable to pronounce the names of both my roommate and me.
What was once Shannon and Kati has now become Shane y Kane. Has a nice ring to
it, don’t you think? Like Abbott and Costello. Martin and Lewis. Cheech and
Chong.
What I miss
most about home is the confidence I had in food. Preparing myself for a meal is
exhausting, and I am literally nervous when I go to set the table. My roommate
is anything but discrete in her complaints. I assure Kane that “Eww, gross” is
probably the same in every language, but for her English is our “secret code.” She
is also sometimes a little underhanded with her disposal of unwanted food, and
she takes advantage of the fact that it’s hard for me to say, “no me gusta”
more than once a day. “¡Oh! ¿Te gusta? Aquí, yo tengo más para Shane.” Pork
meatballs covered in a brown sauce matching the texture, appearance, and
probably the taste of cow saliva. I am forced to hide my disgust, fight back
gags, and become an actress. Carmen was fooled. I have mastered a few underhanded
tricks of my own. Based on my analysis of our many dishes from their appearance,
smell, and my previous experience I will usually place an extra napkin or two
near my plate at the table. If need
be, they make an excellent hiding spot. It’s like a magic trick. First you see
the food and then you don’t. The thing is Carmen has to leave the room for that
disappearing part to come into play. Then the challenge is getting rid of the
napkin(s). My preferred method of liberating myself from these loaded tissues
is to stuff it in to my purse and the next time I leave home I find a city
trash, and just like that I have disposed of the body. After the pork saliva meatballs
we made an executive decision that we couldn’t both always be “full.” This is
now a scheduled pre-meal event. Who gets to be “full?” One day we were served an ice cold pasta mixed
with crab meat, eggs, pineapple, and a mystery white sauce that is solely a
mystery due to my lack of Spanish. I asked Mama. She told me. I asked that she
repeat it. She told me. That was the end of that. After the second repetition
Kane and I will typically just say “Si,” act out clarity as if we were silent
film actresses from the 1920s, and continue on. It’s been working out rather
fine for us with the exception of the day we were asked to keep an eye on the
stove. Those that paid the price for our ignorance: a couple of potatoes, our
noses, and our pride.
Effective
communication has been something I’ve missed while living in Spain. I can
remember it clearly. It was the day
that Carmen served raw fish on an oversized cracker, but I suppose any sized
cracker is an oversized cracker if it’s being forced to house raw salmon. Kane,
Shane, and Carmen. Out for a facial. Sounds splendid doesn’t it? Well, you’ve
been had. Ideally yes, it would have been splendid, but the minute we walked in
the door there was a transformation to anxiety. My perception of the room:
|
Pros
|
Cons
|
|
The waiting room
was mostly full.
|
We made up half
of the waiting room.
|
|
All of the employees
were very amicable.
|
No one in the
building spoke English.
|
|
The prices were
extremely reasonable with a two hour facial running at around fourteen Euro.
|
This wasn’t a salon, it was a beauty school.
|
As the facial began
there was another con to add to my list. When getting a facial one must
apparently have bare shoulders. Learning this was no easy task. She pointed to
a small box and told me it was for my clothing. Alright, I removed my jacket
and purse and placed them in the designated area. She giggled. “Yes, of course,” I thought. How could I
have been so foolish? She probably wanted me to remove my scarf and sweater as
well. She giggled again. At that moment I look over to see two women removing
the dress of my companion leaving her very exposed and revealing her leopard
spotted, neon pink over the shoulder boulder holder. So material. So American.
She had been giggling because she wanted everything
off. I reluctantly filled the box.
Minutes
later I was lying there. Uncomfortable. My white skin glowing in the
unflattering rays of power saving artificial light listening to an American
song playing from an unknown source in the streets below, Twist and Shout. I pictured myself joining the cast of Ferris Beuller´s Day Off for the big
parade scene. Then suddenly my carefree mind snaps back to full attention as my
facial-ista does her best to speak a little English. “I´m going to remove your
eyebrows.” My hands race to my face, the protectors of my facial hair. What the
lady had meant to say was, “I´m going to remove your eye-makeup.” It was not the most relaxing of facials to begin with, and
from that point forward I sat at full attention like an Olympic runner waiting
for the gun to sound. If I could not feel her two hands on my person I had at
least one eye open. I would not be the victim of miscommunication.
There are,
however, times when I like my inability to converse effectively. For instance
the time that Kane and I attended a Catholic Mass. By accident. I was
continuously told prior to landing in Seville that the people here were very
personal with their homes. It is not common practice for Spaniards to have
friends over, but rather to go out instead. If this is true then perhaps I
should tell my mama that she is breaking all the rules. She often has her good
friend María José over to chat, watch tv, and eat with us. During one of these
meals, the day we had fried cauliflower, lemon garlic fish that was also fried,
and an egg over easy, María José invited us to a choir concert. Kane and I took
turns patting each other on the back after collecting all the necessary
information on the event, all in Spanish. Our gathered information: The dress,
casual. The hour, early. The occasion, a choir concert. The day, well we hadn´t
taken that into consideration. It was
Sunday.
Sunday came and we
went. Carmen walked us to the concert and it was only a few minutes from our
apartment. She pulled open what looked like an iron door and lead us in. It was
obvious; I was in a Catholic Church. The building had more than enough room
overhead to make three additional stories, but instead it was spent to appeal
more to the eye than to practicality. There was so much intricacy from the
floor to the tip of the ceiling. Three very religious very elaborate statues.
The Crucifixion, The Virgin Mary and baby Jesus, as well as a saint. A visual
overload of blooming red carnations that appeared to be growing from all of the
swirling designs carved into the wood that lined the room. Anywhere that was
lacking red carnations was abundant in gold and silver vases and decorative
religious pieces holding candles whose purpose is beyond my understanding. The
room was filled with people. A beautiful place for a choir concert.
We found our seats and
the choir filed in in their uniforms of floor length white skirts and blue
ruffled sweaters. They positioned themselves on the far right side of the
church not in the center. Before Kane
and I were able to solve the mystery of why the choir was standing in such an
awkward place, making it difficult for many of the people in attendance to see
them, a procession of what appeared to be royalty began walking down the aisle at
the pace of a bride on her wedding day. A few boys trailing in the back had
ornaments swinging from their hands. Glistening silver lamps producing a smoke.
Incense. The smell so overpowering to match the red, silver, and gold. The
choir started up. Kane whispers in my ear, “I think we’re in church.”
It was Sunday, and we
were in church. With the predominant religion here being Catholicism it was
something I had planned and wanted to experience. This wasn’t planned. What I thought was
a choir concert in a church turned
out to be a Catholic Mass featuring a
choir. María José’s choir. Kane and I spent the entire service trying,
unsuccessfully to fit in. Watching every move of the pew in front of us so as
to kneel, speak, sit, and listen at all the right times. Attend a Catholic
Mass…check!
Allow me to translate.
Life as a Spanish girl.
I’m still not sure I can affectively answer that question, not yet. Thus far on
my journey I feel very much like the black spot on the white side of a yin
yang. It’s true; I have successfully accomplished the first step to becoming a
Spanish girl—I’m living in Spain. All
I lack now is a white coat so that I can disguise my black color in the white
that surrounds me. Perhaps I’ll be able to find one at Banana Republic?